a. Party
b. See "I Know Who killed Me"
(Hint the answer is always A. The answer is NEVER b)
Side note: this thing contains spoilers…but really I'm saving you $6.50-$8.75 depending on time of day and what part of the country you're in.
Against my better judgment I was somehow shanghaied into watching "I Know Who Killed Me." O.k., actually, it's my fault because when we mentioned going to the movies I foolishly used the qualifying phrases of "anything except" in connection with "Chuck and Larry." Forgive me, I forgot about this particular gem playing. However, we had just beaten a backstabbing Pirate Piñata named Kharl (sleazy grease ball who hangs behind old buildings, near dumpsters and offers to buy alcohol for underage kids), and were in exceptionally high spirits. All of that would change.
Quick synopsis and highlights: Lohan (insert favorite post/pre rehab, drug related punch line here) is a virginal, good-girl writer Aubrey, who is not putting out to slightly beef brained, jock boyfriend. She decides to quit piano, despite her apparent gift, to focus on her writing. She begins to write a tale of a stripper with a rough life. One ngiht after a game, she decides to wander off into the darkness alone because she's a virgin and they can never die in horror films. Eventually "Aubrey" is recovered and hospitalized from a vicious attack against her where she's been tortured and has had body pieces clipped off. Turns out this Lohan is Aubrey's character in her story, Dakota. Keeping up? Doesn't really matter, it gets dumb. After Dakota makes sex with beef brained boy, says "fuck" a lot, and has flashbacks dancing on a pole, she immediately comes to conclusion that she and Aubrey are long lost, separated twins. Duh! Why didn't I think of that when my finger randomly fell off in the shower the other night? Oh I know, I was too distracted by the various grunts and moans we have to hear Lohan make throughout the film. Anyways, nobody believes her, and decides she's delusional, until too late. She hobbles to save Aubrey's life and do in the killer. Closing scene shows Aubrey in what appears to be a pilgrim dress lying next to Dakota, the only one of them to have received medical attention might I point out, by the grave she was just dug out of near the dead killer's home. The end. Yeah, no answers to be found here either my friends.
Flash forward a couple hours of my life I'll never have back that would've been better spent, I don't know, picking at dead skin on my cuticles or counting cracks in asphalt, and out came three highly irritated, bemused viewers. It turns out the makers of this film decided you didn't actually need a "real" resolution. You know, resolution, it happens after the falling action and all of those crazy loose ends are tied up into a nifty package (or planned to be left loose for your imagination). This film found that they didn't have time to worry about those silly little tiny questions such as: Why did the killer do it? What is the family/boyfriend aftermath? How do the two crippled Lohans make it back? How is Lohan #2 going to explain to Lohan #1 she fucked her boyfriend before she did? Why did the killer/teacher have a painfully random fascination with prosthetic legs? Basically they decided that they didn't really feel like making an actual ending and maybe by slapping a suspense/thriller label on it they could trick you into thinking it was your fault the film seemed stupid. It's not; they just decided you should be content with her survival! How couldn't we be? I mean they gave you the pieces to the puzzle and it's our job as the viewer to put them together. This is very true, however it usually helps if the people who make the film know what the end picture is supposed to look like. Somehow I sincerely doubt, unless they were slamming back the vodka, they had any end picture in mind.
The only apparent redeeming quality about the film is the pleasing aesthetic relationship between various shades of blue against dark settings; that and pill popping, heavy drinker, stripper Lindsay who has a crack head for a mom. Three cheers for Irony, eh? Even more confusing was the film's embrace of fairly hefty gore, our typical horror flick, paired with a desire to be slightly supernatural. What instead appears is a hodge-podge of ideas never successfully pulled together in the end. There lies the resounding flaw, too many ideas without one solid overarching concept to hold them together. I won't blame Lohan for the complete plot nonsense but she could've put her foot down when the film made her sound as if she had just discovered the ability to curse. There's sounding like a hard ass stripper and then there's sounding like the sixth grader who found out they can say "fuck" and their parents won't know. Lohan's character sounded like the latter.
Was it fun times? If you have a highly active imaginations and wit in the group you view with, you can revel in what could be Lohan's biggest film mistake yet and mock the Parent Trap trick. Or you can just leave like the 6 other people in our theatre grumbling and complaining about ticket prices. I bet you'll be wishing, as we did, that you had left the Pirate Piñata beating for after the film.
<3 - Location:n.c
- Mood:period
- Music:Wilco
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